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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader's arch-enemy lost her kitchen in a fire.
- Our columnist says it's not a good idea to start drama, which will just make the reader look worse.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
There's a woman at work who I can't stand. I don't want to cause trouble, so no one at work knows how I feel as she is pretty popular, but my friends outside of work know her only as my arch-enemy.
She is the most passive-aggressive, controlling, underhanded person I have ever met. She is always screwing up and blaming other people. She gets people fired for problems she causes and shows no remorse.
She lost her kitchen in a house fire. Her family is out of the house for now, and the kitchen is being rebuilt. Their homeowners insurance covers everything, but my coworkers insist we pool our money together to give her a large financial gift. The lowest donation I've seen is $25; the highest is $500.
I think it's all unnecessary and ridiculous, and I certainly don't want to donate any money myself. I understand her family is still having a hard time, even if it's not a significant financial loss, but this woman has hurt people I love. I'm not interested in writing her a check as some kind of gesture, but I don't want the drama of explaining myself to my other coworkers, either. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Colleague to the Conniving
Dear Colleague,
Coworker conflicts are some of the hardest to manage because we can't avoid them. We don't just have to see this person every day; we must also continue working with someone we already know isn't a great personal match. Whether it's one too many "per my last emails" or constant snotty comments during meetings, you're still expected to pursue the same goals together as a team.
In your case, it seems like your issue with your colleague goes beyond a few snide email exchanges; it has less to do with how this woman has treated you and more to do with how she's treated people you love. This makes your feelings toward your coworker harder to navigate because it goes beyond irritation or even personal hurt — her behavior has sparked your loyalty, your sense of justice, and your protective instincts.
I am not here to tell you what to do; as long as you move with civility and professionalism, I don't foresee the stakes being incredibly high whether you chip in on the group gift or not. However, I think it's worth asking yourself what you hope to get out of the situation in either case. To do this, I want to outline your three options and what the best and worst outcomes might be with each.
One, you chip in a small amount — $10 should cover it. You mentioned the smallest donation you saw so far being $25; this doesn't mean you can't set a new record. To your point, your arch-enemy was smart enough to buy homeowners insurance, so the money isn't about her needs. So, I doubt you'll be judged for giving a small amount.
Your other coworkers simply want to help. When bad things happen to people, it's hard to know what to do, but the instinct to help is strong, so we find ways to support them anyway. This often means giving money to the person struggling — who couldn't use a few more dollars? In other words, as you said, this financial offering from your coworkers is simply a gesture. The question is whether you will participate in this gesture.
If you go this route, worst case, you're out $10, and your arch-enemy has the satisfaction of knowing that you went along with the crowd, and now they believe they can prey upon your kindness. But you know they can't, and that's what matters. In the best case, you spend $10 and never have to think about it again. This feels like the most likely outcome.
Or, you could choose your second option: Don't chip in and let everyone who asks know why. Best case, you get the satisfaction of knowing you stood firm in your convictions, and you'll find more colleagues who see through this woman's facade, and together, you can bring the truth of her behavior to light. Worst (and more likely) case, you will cause a massive drama ending with all your colleagues seeing you as an angry, unforgiving, problem person.
A third option is not to donate a dime and hope no one notices. Best case, they won't. In the worst case, they will comment on it. I find the best case more likely, but who knows? Either way, the stakes are low. So low, I wonder if there isn't something bigger behind your stress over this particular scenario.
It almost seems like you want the stakes to be higher. You mentioned that this coworker is "underhanded" and "passive-aggressive." These types of behaviors can be especially infuriating because it often feels like no one else notices, and therefore, there's never any accountability. So, we try to blow up small things to finally start the conversation we want to have. The problem is that this effectively manufactures drama that leaves us looking like the villain.
As difficult as it may be, I encourage you to be patient. Rarely can a truly conniving person keep a grift up forever. What you see now may take time for others to notice, but eventually they will. Even if your arch-enemy can manage to play the game perfectly at work, eventually, she'll fall apart in her personal life, and it will spill over. Time will tell.
Meanwhile, focus on being the best version of yourself and being the change you want to see at work. As for donating the money, you already know the right thing to do deep down. Do that.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
This article was originally published in October 2024.