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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader's partner isn't willing to stop scrimping on every purchase.
- Our columnist says they need to focus on how those choices affect their kids as a team.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
Last summer, I lost my job, and my partner and I significantly scaled back our spending. I'm back in the workforce now and making more than before, but both of us agree that since we can live on a lot less, we should do so and use the difference to save money.
We're spending much less than a year ago, which is excellent. However, I think when you're no longer in emergency mode, it's wild not to spend the money if you have it.
For instance, our children all need new shoes. We're tall people, and their feet never seem to stop growing. Buying them all new shoes doesn't feel optional to me, but it does to my partner, who is still pretending we're surviving off only one income. They keep suggesting we put it off and see how long the kids can make their old shoes work.
Whenever I say I'm planning to take the kids shoe shopping on a specific date, my partner either sabotages it by needing the car for something else, double booking us on "accident," or they outright throw a fit because this is an unnecessary expense.
The shoes are just one example, but it's a lot of things. My partner has accused me of just wanting to return to old spending habits, and while it's not true — I am ready to exit emergency mode.
Sincerely,
Tired of Playing Poor
Dear Playing Poor,
Whenever my husband and I get a new income stream or pay off a loan, we play a similar game as you and your partner — "let's pretend nothing changed, and treat our savings account like a standing bill of the same amount!" We agree to these things for the same reason you and your partner did — because, in theory, it's a good idea — and sometimes it even takes, but sometimes it doesn't. Either way, we're not beating ourselves up because we recognize that good ideas only go so far in real life.
Surviving month to month is very different than living well. When you're in survival mode, your goals are as simple as they are tragic: Don't lose the house. Don't lose the car. Try to keep the lights on. Try not to starve. When our goals are pared down to these basic essentials, a lot of other important things tend to fall through the cracks. Things like eating healthier foods despite the mark up, helping our kids succeed socially by not clothing them in rags, and planning for the future by investing in things like life insurance. Surviving in the present trumps all these things, but saving a big pile of money just because you can certainly does not.
However, recognizing the difference between soft necessities like these and everyday indulgences can be difficult. Often, we have to experience the difference to see it. This is why my husband and I don't beat ourselves up over not permanently shifting a car payment to our savings account just because it seemed like a good idea back when we paid off the loan. Unfortunately, it seems like your partner isn't as flexible, so the challenge is to help them see that living well is more important than living as cheaply as possible.
When it comes to parenting, your partner's stubbornness on this point must feel extra frustrating. The idea that kids continue jamming their feet into too-small shoes until — I don't know, their toes pop through the top? — isn't just absurd, it's irresponsible. Kids aren't great at advocating for themselves, which is why looking out for them is a parent's No. 1 responsibility. Kids might casually mention their shoe is pinching, they may just whine that it's too tight, or they may suffer in silence because they're too busy having fun to notice silly things like footwear. But as adults, we know that painful blisters will be the least of their concerns. Wearing too-small shoes can lead to lifelong deformities.
When a parent doesn't recognize these things, they are either willfully negligent — which, from the tone of your letter, I doubt is the case for your partner — or they aren't experiencing the reality of parenting in a day-to-day, hands-on way. I suggest that you rectify this by showing them research on the dangers of too-small-shoes, and make them be the one to take the kids shopping. This way, they can see how hard it is to find good-condition shoes in thrift stores and say no to your kids' pleas for the latest, most expensive fashions.
Beyond the shoes, however, look for opportunities to get your partner involved in the parts of your children's lives where they will see and hear your children's needs regularly. For instance, if your kids are school-aged and car riders, you could have your partner take over the carpool, so they're the ones to hear your kids agonizing over blisters or despair over getting a tardy because their backpack zipper broke in the middle of the hall. The parent who hears about these situations will always recognize their children's needs in a way the parent receiving the list of demands never will.
You and your partner share the same goal of living on less so you can save more. The conflict is in the method. This shouldn't be too hard to solve. Sit down together and come up with a new budget as a team. It should reflect both your financial goals, your new income, and the necessities of your lifestyle.
Maybe your partner has lingering anxieties about your job loss influencing their thought process. After all, if it happened once, it could happen again. Build a contingency plan for this into your new budget and make sure you have enough for an emergency fund. Your partner doesn't want to spend just to spend, and I don't think you want to save just to save. So, do both with a purpose.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
This article was originally published in October 2024.